I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
