I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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