her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
