Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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