Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
