I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
