I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
