my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
