I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
