just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
