Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
