help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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