Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
