I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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