shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
