you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
