I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
