I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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