the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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