I accidentally had phone sex last night
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
