i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
