The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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