Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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