I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
