Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
