she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
