I wish my penis had an off switch
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
