It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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