I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
