after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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