I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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