Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
