how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
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just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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