..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
