you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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