I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
