please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
