I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
