I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
