evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
