I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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