So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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