I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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