I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
