i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
