If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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