Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
