you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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