I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
