You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
