i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
if only i could text you this smell
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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