I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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