I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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