I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
